Between Her and Him: What Bi Dating Really Feels Like

Bi dating dynamics: it's not double the drama, it’s double the delicious confusion. 

So, you’re bi, or maybe bi-ish, curious, fluid, or just trying to make sense of why your crush list looks like a gender studies thesis. Welcome to the (Skirt)club. Whether you’re in a hetero facing relationship, proudly queer dating, or still figuring it out, being bi means living in the glorious in between: sexy, confusing, and full of stories people never quite get right. Let’s set the record straight… or not.

This article explores bi dating dynamics across open, poly, and monogamous relationships and how we figure out who (and how) we love.

By Lisa Opel

The In-Between Is Home

Here’s the thing about being bi: it’s not double the options, it’s double the definition work.

You’re constantly negotiating who you’re drawn to and what kind of relationship you want to have.

Monogamous? Open? Poly? Something you haven’t quite found a word for yet?
The labels we choose for ourselves and for our love lives can feel like both a map and a maze. And somehow, we’re expected to read both at once.

Most of us don’t live on either side of a spectrum; we live in the overlap.

One day you’re deep in a queer crush spiral, the next you’re grocery shopping with your husband and catching yourself checking out the woman in aisle four.
You start to realise: attraction isn’t a straight line, it’s jazz. Improvised, unpredictable, occasionally off-beat but always full of feeling.

When Your Label Meets Your Relationship Label

Being bi already requires explaining yourself more than you’d like. Add relationship structure to the mix, and you’re practically a walking TED Talk.

If you’re monogamous, people assume your bisexuality went into witness protection the moment you settled down.

“But you’re married to a man,” they’ll say, as though desire has an expiry date. Spoiler: it doesn’t. You can love your partner and still feel a flicker when a woman’s hand brushes yours.

If you’re in an open relationship, freedom comes with fine print. It’s hot, yes, but it’s also honest. Suddenly your bisexuality isn’t just a theory; it’s logistics. Jealousy, joy, Google Calendars, and very long conversations. You learn that being open is less about permission and more about precision. It’s about knowing what you need, want, and are ready to negotiate.

For the polyamorous, bisexuality can feel like home base. You already know love isn’t scarce. But juggling multiple partners means seeing how different parts of you light up in different dynamics: soft with one, wild with another, entirely yourself with a third. It’s a masterclass in communication and, let’s be honest, scheduling.

Then there’s relationship anarchy, the rebels of romance. No hierarchy, no default rules, just connection. For many bi women, that makes total sense. If attraction is fluid, why shouldn’t relationships be? RA is basically saying: I refuse to let someone else’s idea of love define mine.

The trick is to find a system that feels like freedom.

The “Coming Out Twice” Problem

Being bi means learning to come out more than once.

Every new partner, every context, every dinner party… it’s a re-introduction.

In a queer-facing relationship, you might feel visible, celebrated, seen.

Until someone assumes you’re “new to this,” or jokes about “switching teams.”

In a hetero-facing relationship, your queerness can vanish in plain sight. One minute you’re a proud bisexual woman; the next, someone’s “wife.”

It’s like watching a part of you turn invisible while you’re still standing right there.

Visibility isn’t just about being recognised by others, it’s about recognising yourself.

And that’s where labels and communities come in. They’re not cages; they’re mirrors.

When the world forgets who you are, your own language helps you remember.

Language, Longing & Liberation

Let’s be honest: labels can be both comforting and cringe. Sometimes they fit like a silk dress; other times, like a wet swimsuit. 

But words matter. They give shape to our desire. They make space for our stories.
They help us find each other. 

You don’t have to pick one and marry it. You can switch. Bisexual today, queer tomorrow, fluid next month… there’s no loyalty clause here.

The point isn’t to get it “right.” It’s to get closer to what feels true right now.

How to Talk About It (Without Turning It Into a TED Talk)

If I had a euro for every time I’ve nervously said “It’s not a phase, it’s a vibe,” I could buy everyone at Skirt Club a round of prosecco.

Coming out, again and again, gets easier when you stop explaining and start inviting curiosity. When someone asks, “So, are you into women and men?” skip the dissertation.

Try a shrug and a smile:

“Pretty much, yeah. I’m equal-opportunity when it comes to chemistry.”

Or if you’re feeling saucy:

“I fall for energy, not anatomy.”

Humour disarms; honesty connects. You don’t owe anyone a TED Talk on your turn-ons, but you can offer a conversation that’s equal parts truth and flirtation.

If you’re in a relationship, you can start gently.

“I’ve been thinking about how attraction works for me.”

“I don’t want to change what we have. It’s about understanding me better.”

When you speak from curiosity rather than guilt, it lands as connection, not confession. Giving your desire a voice isn’t a threat to your relationship, it’s an act of intimacy.

Permission to Change the Script

Here’s your reminder: both your identity and your relationship style are allowed to evolve. 

Think playlist and not tattoo. You can skip tracks, add new ones, remix.

You might start monogamous and later crave openness.

You might explore polyamory and realise you want simplicity again.

You might identify as bisexual for years, then find “queer” feels more like home.

None of it means you were wrong before. It just means you’re alive now. Every version of you is valid. Every chapter tells the truth of that moment.

And no one gets to revoke your membership because you changed your mind.

Me? I’m a Walking Work in Progress

I’ve worn most of the labels at some point. Heterosexual. Pansexual. Sapiosexual. Bisexual. Monogamous. Fluid. Open. Disney (!). Monogamish. Gayer-than-I-think. You name it, I’ve probably tried it on for size. Some fit for a while, some itched almost immediately.

And I can happily confirm: I’m not confused. I just refuse to fossilise.

I can’t give you an exact description of what or who I am, because honestly? It changes. Life changes. Love changes. The only constant I’ve found is that everything and everyone moves.

So I live in that glorious haze between definition and desire. Some days it’s clear, other days it’s chaos, but it’s always me. And when people ask what I am, I usually smile and say: “Available for good conversation and bad ideas.”

A (Very Bi) Glossary of Love & Labels

Because sometimes you need a cheat sheet and sometimes you just need to laugh at how complicated we’ve made being human.

Bisexual
Attracted to more than one gender.
Translation: your heart doesn’t check ID.

Pansexual
Gender? Optional. It’s the vibe that gets you.
Translation: your type is “yes.”

Fluid
Attraction that shifts over time.
Translation: the “it’s complicated” of sexuality, but make it poetic.

Bi-curious
Curious, open, maybe texting that one friend a bit too often.
Translation: curiosity didn’t kill the cat… it just made her purr.

Queer
Umbrella term, rebellion, and chosen family all in one.
Translation: “not straight” with sparkle.

Sapiosexual
Attracted to intelligence and wit.
Translation: foreplay starts with good conversation.

Demisexual
Needs emotional connection before sexual attraction.
Translation: feelings first, fireworks later.

Panromantic
Romantically attracted regardless of gender, even if sexual attraction differs.
Translation: love letters over labels.

Asexual (Ace)
Experiences little or no sexual attraction.
Translation: intimacy without the sex part.

Graysexual
Sometimes feels sexual attraction, sometimes doesn’t.
Translation: attraction with mood lighting.

Monogamous
One partner, one storyline.
Translation: love with a clear-ish user manual.

Open Relationship
Commitment with creative clauses.
Translation: honesty is the new foreplay.

Monogamish
Mostly monogamous with optional side quests.
Translation: fidelity, but flexible.

Polyamorous
Multiple loves, maximum spreadsheets.
Translation: love, but make it logistics.

Relationship Anarchy
Connection without hierarchy or default rules.
Translation: because who needs a script?

Situationship
More than friends, less than defined.
Translation: emotional limbo with kissing privileges.

Metamour
Your partner’s other partner.
Translation: the person you don’t compete with but might share brunch with.

Compersion
The opposite of jealousy; joy for your partner’s joy.
Translation: emotional yoga for overthinkers.

Kitchen-Table Poly
Everyone’s invited to brunch.
Translation: emotional IKEA, some assembly required.

Straight-Passing
When your relationship makes people assume you’re straight.
Translation: invisibility cloak. Unrequested, unfashionable.

Hetero-Facing
Looks straight from the outside, definitely isn’t.
Translation: the bisexual magic trick.

Labels
Tiny words that hold big stories.
Translation: use when helpful, ditch when itchy.

Closing Reflection

Here’s the secret about being bi: you’re not sitting on a fence, you’re throwing a garden party on it. You’re the connector, the bridge, the beautifully complex “both-and” in a world obsessed with “either-or.”

Yes, it’s complicated. Yes, you’ll explain yourself more times than you’d like. But you’ll also taste more kinds of love, intimacy, and joy than most people dare to imagine.

Maybe it’s not about picking a side. Maybe it’s about claiming the whole damn spectrum.

So here’s to us… the bi, the bi-ish, the still-figuring-it-out.
To everyone who’s ever been told to choose.
 

To every woman who’s ever whispered, “I think I might be…” and discovered it wasn’t confusion, it was setting yourself free.

FAQs for the Beautifully Confused (a.k.a. All of Us)

Q: How do I know which relationship style suits me?

Start with honesty, not aesthetics. What turns you on? The idea of commitment, or the thrill of choice? Monogamy isn’t “boring,” and polyamory isn’t “progressive.” They’re just structures. Ask yourself what makes you feel safe and alive and remember, it can change.

Q: I’m bi but in a long-term hetero relationship. Am I still queer enough?

Absolutely. Your queerness doesn’t vanish because your partner happens to be a man. Attraction is about truth and not performance. You don’t stop being bisexual just because you’re currently monogamous or straight-facing.

Q: My partner and I are thinking about opening up. Where do we start?

Start by talking about why. Curiosity? Desire? Disconnection? Fantasy? Then set boundaries that protect your emotional safety before anyone gets naked. Open relationships succeed on three pillars: communication, transparency, and aftercare. Oh, and a shared calendar.

Q: I don’t like labels. Do I need one?

Not at all. Labels are tools, not contracts. You can use “bi,” “queer,” “fluid,” or none at all. The only person who needs clarity is you. It’s perfectly fine to say, “I’m exploring.” That’s a label in itself. A label called human.

Q: How do I talk about this with a partner who doesn’t get it?

Skip the defensive monologue. Lead with vulnerability instead: “I want to share something because it’s part of me.” Stay curious, not combative. Remember: the goal isn’t convincing them, it’s being seen and living your truth.

Q: What if I’m scared that exploring will ruin my relationship?

That’s a valid fear. Big truths often shake the ground a little. But hiding them eats away at connection. If your relationship is strong, it will adapt. And if it doesn’t, it’s not because you were too much; it’s because you were finally enough.

About Lisa Opel

Lisa Opel is a bisexual author, TEDx speaker, and unapologetic pleasure advocate. She is the author of two provocative books - GIVE IT TO ME! and SEX SEX SEX: Your Complete Sexuality Workbook - both bold, beautifully written explorations of eroticism, intimacy, and identity.

Lisa also hosts the bilingual podcast DEEP&DIRTY, where she dives into the real stories and juicy questions around sexuality, sensuality, and self-discovery. Her TEDx talk - Rediscovering sex after a dry spell - tackled the modern complexities of love, lust, and reclaiming desire.

As a confidante to many women navigating their desires and identities, Lisa offers not just her services, her insights, a shoulder, but intimacy; creating spaces through her one-on-one sessions, workshops, writing, events, and live erotic readings where women feel seen, heard, and deliciously understood.