How to Go Down on a Woman
By Holly Richmond, PhD, Certified Sex Therapist
Ask a woman about the best sex of her life, and you’ll likely hear about her experience of feeling wanted, being totally in her body and open to an entire menu of sexual pleasure. What you probably won’t hear about, at least not exclusively, is her experience of penetration. A big dildo (or dick) can be a ton of fun, but most women—as in over 75%--need direct clitoral stimulation in order to reach full arousal. One of the most effective and enjoyable routes to the clitoris is through oral sex. Going down a woman, if done right, stokes desire, intensifies arousal and primes your partner for an amazing orgasm. Instead of guessing, Googling or replicating what you see in porn, try these seven tips to make going down on her a game-changer.
7 Steps to Sweetness...
1. Create desire beyond her body.
A messy environment, bright lights and the news on television are heading the opposite way from sexy. Most women are contextual in their ability to allow desire to unfold, meaning they need to feel relaxed and open in their heads and hearts, not just aroused in their genitals. Take time to create the scene. What helps your partner access her eroticism? A bubble bath, clean sheets, chocolate, perfume, a martini, candles or music? Make all of her a priority before asking her to get undressed.
Set the mood with a seductive scented candle
2. Don’t assume she likes what you like.
Humans are egocentric creatures, and this is a mistake we make far too often. Just because you like to be gone down on in a certain way, doesn’t mean your partner likes the same thing. Great oral sex starts with open communication before open legs. Get curious about what she likes. Quite literally, once you’ve created the scene and can look into her eyes, ask, “I’m curious about how oral sex feels best for you.” Next, listen without judgement!
3. Use your five senses.
Far too often we’re in our heads instead of our bodies when we’re with a partner, especially a new one. One of the best techniques for getting out of your critical observer, anxiety-prone mind is to use your five senses. To create arousal—the physiological response to desire—go towards what feels great through sight, smell, taste, touch, and sound. First off, tell her how great she smells and tastes (most women are hypersensitive about this). Then, find out if she is most aroused through visual or aural stimulation? If so, add some feminist porn or audio erotica to the mix. If she’s sensual and responds to touch, taste and smell, try a massage, fruit, wine or candles.
Stimulate her senses with a sensual blindfold
4. Build anticipation—lips before clit!
Finally, you’re getting to her genitals, but please, still not too fast. Give some attention to her lower abdominal area, inner thighs, and especially her labia before landing on her clitoris. This will not only feel great but build anticipation, priming her for full arousal or orgasm. Use the tip of your tongue, flat tongue and entire mouth to stimulate her vulva, labia, clitoral hood and clitoris. Typically, one side of her labia will be more sensitive than the other (it’s the left for most women) so take time to explore. Use up and down, side to side, circular and rapid tongue flicks to see what she likes best. Make sure you’re paying attention to her body language to see when she relaxes or tenses.
5. Perfect your handiwork.
Yes, it’s oral sex, but you still have your hands and toys at your disposal. As for your hands, press one palm into her pubic bone and use your fingers to stimulate her g-spot (you’ll find it about 1.5 inches up on her vaginal anterior wall—it will feel like a dime-sized, rough spot). And don’t forget her bum. Anal stimulation feels great for many women, but for others it’s a no-go. Again, openly communicate and watch her body language. Additionally, many women need the type of clitoral stimulation that only a vibrator can provide. Offer a toy or make her feel comfortable enough to ask for one. It’s nothing personal, simply how her body is wired.
6. Enjoy with gusto.
Going down on a woman isn’t just about her pleasure, it’s about yours too. The more turned on she is, the more turned you’ll be, which in turns her on even more, and thus the delicious cycle continues. Passion begets passion, and the energy you bring to the experience will make as much of an impact on her pleasure as your skills. Enjoy her like you mean it.
7. Don’t move!
For the love of all things oral, please don’t change anything you’re doing if she looks, sounds and feels like she’s about to orgasm. There’s nothing worse than being close to orgasm and your partner deciding to introduce something new. Use the early stages of going down on her to experiment with different techniques, but once you’ve found it and she’s responding, don’t move until she tells you to.
By Holly Richmond, PhD, Certified Sex Therapist
Ask a woman about the best sex of her life, and you’ll likely hear about her experience of feeling wanted, being totally in her body and open to an entire menu of sexual pleasure. What you probably won’t hear about, at least not exclusively, is her experience of penetration. A big dildo (or dick) can be a ton of fun, but most women—as in over 75%--need direct clitoral stimulation in order to reach full arousal. One of the most effective and enjoyable routes to the clitoris is through oral sex. Going down a woman, if done right, stokes desire, intensifies arousal and primes your partner for an amazing orgasm. Instead of guessing, Googling or replicating what you see in porn, try these seven tips to make going down on her a game-changer.
7 Steps to Sweetness...
1. Create desire beyond her body.
A messy environment, bright lights and the news on television are heading the opposite way from sexy. Most women are contextual in their ability to allow desire to unfold, meaning they need to feel relaxed and open in their heads and hearts, not just aroused in their genitals. Take time to create the scene. What helps your partner access her eroticism? A bubble bath, clean sheets, chocolate, perfume, a martini, candles or music? Make all of her a priority before asking her to get undressed.
Set the mood with a seductive scented candle2. Don’t assume she likes what you like.
Humans are egocentric creatures, and this is a mistake we make far too often. Just because you like to be gone down on in a certain way, doesn’t mean your partner likes the same thing. Great oral sex starts with open communication before open legs. Get curious about what she likes. Quite literally, once you’ve created the scene and can look into her eyes, ask, “I’m curious about how oral sex feels best for you.” Next, listen without judgement!
3. Use your five senses.
Far too often we’re in our heads instead of our bodies when we’re with a partner, especially a new one. One of the best techniques for getting out of your critical observer, anxiety-prone mind is to use your five senses. To create arousal—the physiological response to desire—go towards what feels great through sight, smell, taste, touch, and sound. First off, tell her how great she smells and tastes (most women are hypersensitive about this). Then, find out if she is most aroused through visual or aural stimulation? If so, add some feminist porn or audio erotica to the mix. If she’s sensual and responds to touch, taste and smell, try a massage, fruit, wine or candles.
Stimulate her senses with a sensual blindfold4. Build anticipation—lips before clit!
Finally, you’re getting to her genitals, but please, still not too fast. Give some attention to her lower abdominal area, inner thighs, and especially her labia before landing on her clitoris. This will not only feel great but build anticipation, priming her for full arousal or orgasm. Use the tip of your tongue, flat tongue and entire mouth to stimulate her vulva, labia, clitoral hood and clitoris. Typically, one side of her labia will be more sensitive than the other (it’s the left for most women) so take time to explore. Use up and down, side to side, circular and rapid tongue flicks to see what she likes best. Make sure you’re paying attention to her body language to see when she relaxes or tenses.
5. Perfect your handiwork.
Yes, it’s oral sex, but you still have your hands and toys at your disposal. As for your hands, press one palm into her pubic bone and use your fingers to stimulate her g-spot (you’ll find it about 1.5 inches up on her vaginal anterior wall—it will feel like a dime-sized, rough spot). And don’t forget her bum. Anal stimulation feels great for many women, but for others it’s a no-go. Again, openly communicate and watch her body language. Additionally, many women need the type of clitoral stimulation that only a vibrator can provide. Offer a toy or make her feel comfortable enough to ask for one. It’s nothing personal, simply how her body is wired.
6. Enjoy with gusto.
Going down on a woman isn’t just about her pleasure, it’s about yours too. The more turned on she is, the more turned you’ll be, which in turns her on even more, and thus the delicious cycle continues. Passion begets passion, and the energy you bring to the experience will make as much of an impact on her pleasure as your skills. Enjoy her like you mean it.
7. Don’t move!
For the love of all things oral, please don’t change anything you’re doing if she looks, sounds and feels like she’s about to orgasm. There’s nothing worse than being close to orgasm and your partner deciding to introduce something new. Use the early stages of going down on her to experiment with different techniques, but once you’ve found it and she’s responding, don’t move until she tells you to.