My Life As A Dominatrix

Women across the world have been somewhat introduced to the world of BDSM by the kinky exploits of the prolific Mr. Grey and his perfectly chiseled body on the big screen. However, BDSM goes far beyond the realms of what the clever lighting and expertly crafted fantasy of Hollywood can offer. Here at Skirt Club, we want to provide our members with insight into the life of a dominatrix: don’t be fooled into thinking that only men are able to dominate!

Meet two professional dominatrices and one BDSM coach in this introduction to what women can do when they whip out their dominant side!


Part I – Mistress Iris



Mistress Iris is a Japanese seductress who is based in Los Angeles and offers her world of domination to both men and women. Her stunning looks and openly displayed love of women make her one of a kind. Before becoming a professional dominatrix, Mistress Iris was a lifestyle domme for 6 years. When she transitioned to being a professional dominatrix, she found it was the biggest challenge to attract people who would naturally fit her preferences. She prefers to be her authentic self with her submissives rather than catering to someone in a way that doesn’t appeal to her. She values spending time with subs who are considerate, attentive, generous, and who enjoy being brought to the brink of desperation by her. Considering she actually enjoys the company of the subs she chooses to let into her world, she will provide longer dates instead of offering the usual hourly sessions.

Her love of women stems from the unique energy exchange she notices with a female submissive and a female dominatrix. Iris observes that between women the energy can flow more naturally due to the lack of society’s gender roles which need to be subverted first. Even though she recognises that many other factors can impact the power dynamics (such as wealth, age, cultural background or status), she finds that gender is the most impactful to giving up power. The thumbprint society has on us by assigning certain characteristics to our biological gender can skew the power exchange which comes with submitting oneself to a dominatrix. Same-sex interactions free Iris from these hetero-normative gender performances. Mistress Iris also enjoys having a female partner in crime during sessions. She takes great pleasure in telling me:

‘One day at a party, there was a Domme that I found myself drawn towards, and she was there solo. I offered her my sub to use as she pleased for her enjoyment, and then I ended up joining them in play as well. It was as if the sub didn’t even exist. They were just a conduit through which she and I could experience intimacy. We fed off of each other’s sexual energy as we dominated together, and it was intoxicating. I’ve also found that playing with other Dommes exposes me to their unique style of dominance that I can learn from greatly.’

As rewarding as being a dominatrix is, it sometimes might drain her. When Iris interviews a new potential sub, she will give them a warning. Even though she is a dominatrix she will not flat out cater to the desires of a sub. She will honour any limits but will then cater her own desires through the submissive. Throughout her career, she has met people who are unable to give up their expectations and fully commit to giving her all the control over their pleasure. By doing so Iris feels that they are robbing themselves of transformative experiences.

“As is so often the case in life, expectation is the enemy of satisfaction.”

For people who feel the urge to submit, Iris wants them to understand that the best way to access submission is for them to let go. If her submissive has trouble realising this, she will remind them that they are solely paying to be in her presence and nothing more.You can find Iris’ services (virtual and personal) here.


Part II – Lia Holmgren


Lia Holmgren previously worked as a professional dominatrix in New York. She is originally from Slovakia and travels a lot. As a psychological practitioner and life coach, she has a unique outlook on being a dominatrix.Throughout her experiences, she notices that many people who seek a dominatrix are not interested in pain, but rather to have a safe place where they can be who they are without being judged for their preferences. Many of her guests had struggled to live out their sexual fantasies in their lives. Especially men had issues communicating their desires with their female partners. Because of the role society has pushed them into, they often feel like they are not allowed to be open about what they want. Being able to express one’s needs and being heard is a major part of why people seek a dominatrix instead of having their fantasies fulfilled by their partners.

When Lia started as a dominatrix she was met with judgment and shame by many people around her. Being a dominatrix is largely perceived as being a sex worker even though dominatrixes don’t have actual sexual contact with their guests. It is an erotic service, and she sells an erotic fantasy. Especially dating was hard on her for some time. Some men she has dated didn’t want their friends to know what Lia does for a living, because they were scared their friends would think of them as submissive. Which then again would not cater to the societal male role they ought to fulfil. But understanding the psychology behind it all, she knows she is helping and liberating people through her work. Also, she is sure it takes a very self-confident man to understand how important her work is to others.

This realisation lifted the societal shame that has been put onto her, and she is fully embracing herself as a dominatrix.For her personal development Lia says, she has never grown as much as when she became a professional dominatrix. Standing up for what she wanted to do has taught her self-love like nothing else. She learned to communicate as detailed as possible and to set clear boundaries while helping others to lift their life of shame. By meeting other women who were active in the BDSM scene or as a dominatrix she learned that she doesn’t have to be ashamed of what she was doing. Especially building up the self-esteem to stand up for her own rules came naturally. She wants women to be strict and clear with their own boundaries. Tell your sexual partners what you like or what you don’t and stand up for what you want sexually.

As a Skirt Club member, Lia wants you to understand that we shouldn’t judge one another. She wants us all to just be there for each other and use BDSM to let go of our shame. BDSM is not a linear process, but a deeply psychological process which will teach us to show vulnerability.

“That is all BDSM has taught me, and I think we all have the right to be submissive or take charge.”


Part III – Madame Lisa


Madame Lisa is a BDSM coach who is based in Stuttgart, Germany. She has provided her expertise to numerous dungeons in southern Germany and also managed one of the biggest. As a trained educator, she decided years ago to turn to coaching anyone with an interest in BDSM full time. For Lisa, working as a professional dominatrix was never on the table. She considers herself too much of a wild thing to cater to someone else’s needs. In her opinion a good dominatrix should exactly that, ultimately fulfilling their guest’s desires while weaving in her own proclivities. But for her the focus lies on her own desires and living those out with people who are special to her and who share those affinities.

When she started her BDSM journey as a young woman her mind was filled with fantasies and curiosity, but she felt held back by her uncertainty and inexperience. Therefore, she started out as a submissive to men, who often lacked the skills and knowledge to safely carry out BDSM practices.Experiencing situations which were not desirable, she decided to offer safe knowledge and training for BDSM practices. No matter how experienced you are, you will always find areas in BDSM, which you need education in over time. Lisa’s courses are designed carefully for certain topics and updated frequently to keep up with changing practices.When it comes to teaching professional dominatrixes or people who are interested in BDSM for their private life, Lisa notices that the main difference is the aim they are pursuing.

A professional dominatrix aims for wider expertise in BDSM than a private person. Dominatrixes should master every variety of BDSM to make sure she can act assured and safely even if a certain practice does not play into her own desires. Private couples or individuals usually want to learn about the practices that they prefer personally and exclude varieties that they have not explored so far.Lisa would advise all women who are interested in experiencing BDSM to follow their wishes. The individual process, which depends on your background, experiences, and possible mental blockades, will help you to explore yourself. The vague unfulfilled desire in you should be supported with lustful curiosity without any judgment.

“Listen to your gut feeling and just try it out!”

For you, as our Skirt Club members Lisa would love to tap into everyone’s desires individually, but for now, wishes you a wonderful journey to your own sexuality and countless fantastic experiences. Never forget, the base of every sexual connection should be compassion and empathy!