by
Queen Cassie Hart
Men haters, lesbots, feminzis. If you believe some of the men on the internet, it would seem that women like us are guilty of many things, from the destruction of marriage, to the warping of young minds and hell - even climate change! It’s a trip being a woman on the web sometimes, isn’t it?
Skirt Club is sometimes accused of hating men. So am I. While I see why it could seem that way, it’s not true. I definitely like women more in every respect; but I don't hate men. I don't understand them. And I don't really need to because they aren't part of my world, not really. I’m a woman; I work for women; I’m attracted to women. So I suppose I could be guilty of stereotyping and generalising and perhaps not giving men much credit. I hold my hands up. But recently, things have shifted. Let me explain.
The ‘bubs’ - boyfriends and husbands of Skirt Club
In recent months, I’ve come to appreciate that there are some men who play a vital role in creating and supporting the Skirt Club community I hold so dear. There are men who hear their partners say they want to explore sexually with other women and who not only are happy for them to do so, but actively help them find us. Men, who help set up profiles. Some men who purchase tickets to our events.I was shocked. I had never imagined this scenario. Simply because, I didn't think they had anything to gain from being so supportive. No motive. There are no photos. They can't attend. They are not involved. So why, I asked, would they do this?
I reached out to our community managers overseas who told similar tales from their members and their partners. The principle was always the same. These men recognised how important a woman's sexual desire and exploration really was. They understood that their partners had just as much of a right to pursue their curiosity as they did. They weren't threatened by her determination, but rather inspired by it. Surprised by it. Maybe even turned on by it.
Over email, a Melbourne member’s progressive partner Andy shared with me:
“Since we first met I knew only too well of my partner's sapphic inclinations, enjoying lust and connection with both ladies and gents, albeit to varying degrees based on personality more than gender and simple looks. We've experimented together with others since we first met but I appreciate how solo pleasure with women is a unique experience so I was more than happy, excited you could say, for her to explore...and not simply on a lustful level, imagining her with women. I love when she's excited, thrilled, satisfied and, more than anything, happy. That she can find those feelings by exploring in the SC world, mixed with our own playful adventures in life together, is particularly satisfying.”
Skirt Club’s Male allies
I’d been so wrong in my preconceptions. These women weren't unhappy or dissatisfied in their marriages or relationships. It was the support of their partners that spurred them on. It was their encouragement that helped them persevere. They could come to our events and explore and play, and then return home with a newfound knowledge of themselves and their desires. They could take this into their own beds. They could open up and let go more. They were accepted and safe in the knowledge that they were valued.Closer to home, a member who joins us as a hostess at London events now and again put me in touch with Ben, her husband of 13 years who says he initially thought Skirt Club sounded like “a bunch of vintage enthusiasts who love dressing up in petticoats” before realising they were in for a completely different ride!
“We had never really discussed her sexuality before, but oddly it didn't surprise me to discover she was interested in exploring sensuality with women. It was incredibly exciting to talk to her about it and to have her open up about her sexual fantasies and desires. I started thinking I was stuck in some kind of porn film... my own fantasies started creeping in... hey, maybe we can have a threesome! But, on the day she left to go to her first Skirt Club event in London, I was up all night. What if she has sex with a woman and never wants to see another dick in her life? What if she meets a woman who is more in tune with her desires and emotions than I am. Could this ruin our marriage? On reflection, I was an idiot. Turns out she felt even more nervous than I did. And she did come back to me. And she did have some very salacious stories to tell. And we had great sex that night.
"In fact, my wife being part of Skirt Club has been incredible for our sex life. She's always coming back with ideas about toys and positions we can try. We talk more openly about what each of us wants. We are closer not only in sex, but just in general. I understand her more. And I've found opportunities to communicate my desires without feeling like a pervert... because she's a pervert too! I'll be honest, I was insecure when she first floated the idea of going away for the weekend to a sex party with all women. But my wife loves me, so I had nothing to worry about. It's my role to support her, and she needed my support to have the courage to go to that sex party without me. I don't want her looking back years later wondering what joy she could have found straddling a solicitor from Berlin. All in all, I feel much more grown up about our sex life and I attribute that growing up to Skirt Club helping us talk more openly about what titilates us.”
I’d always considered men as oppressors of female sexuality and freedom. As the insecure, aggressive and often petty sex. But I’ve realised that not only is our community built of amazing women, but it is supported by astounding men. Men who will teach boys to respect women. Men who will make change. Men who aren't threatened or emasculated by female power, but who instead are in awe of it.
A San Francisco member’s partner Chris reached out to tell me he and his partner had been together a whole ten years before the idea of ‘playing with others’ came up. According to Chris, it not only ‘spiced up’ their relationship, but helped their relationship to evolve and grow.
“In my view, a major part of being in a healthy relationship is the ability to evolve from year to year and understand that growth and change in a person is beautiful. When my wife started flirting with the idea of seeing women, I knew this was something that I had to support. We started looking on apps for couples but were completely turned off by the aggressively male-dominated couples on these platforms. Then she came across Skirt Club. I was instantly enticed. When she described her first "Mini-skirt" experience, I was even more excited and when she finally purchased her first ticket to the real deal I knew there was a good chance she was going to sleep with another woman. Waiting for her to come home that night felt like a million years, but to get that text that she was in a cab on the way back and had "stories" to tell me really got my blood flowing. Needless to say, we had amazing sex that night. Not only did she gain so much confidence but that one night super-charged our sex life for the next three weeks straight.
“The safe space that Skirt Club provides has improved our relationship, in and out of bed, on so many levels. The experience of a woman being with another woman, according to my wife, is vastly different than a man - not in conflict, but in a more sensual accompaniment...My advice to other partners would be that we grew into this together with considerable understanding, trust and confidence in one another. Only an open mind can bring the benefits of Skirt Club back into a committed relationship. She now regularly attends Skirt Club events and the transformation of her confidence and sexuality has made me fall in love with her all over again.”
Andy, Ben and Chris’ stories are ones we hear time and time again and I’m proud to play a small part in strengthening relationships and bringing back the spark. I've always believed that the women in our community are unique. That in pursuing their sexual curiosity, they are brave and they are fearless. That they value their self worth and they are confident in demanding what they deserve. But it never occurred to me that there might be men out there who agreed with me.
Hope for a female future
Seeing the men behind our members ally themselves with our vision and message for female empowerment and self acceptance gives me hope for a female future. Witnessing countless members describe the understanding and encouragement of their partners fills me with pride. It seems I have judged too quickly and too harshly.So to men just like Ben in London, Chris in San Francisco and Andy in Melbourne who are happy to entrust their partners with us and know that we will keep them safe and bring them joy - thank you for your support. Thank you for your acceptance. Thank you for your trust in us.
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Are you one of our male Skirt Club allies? What better way to demonstrate your support for her curiosity and exploration than purchasing a ticket for our next event?