Beauty is in the eye of the beholder: building my body confidence
by Queen Cassie
As London's Skirt Club community manager I am asked a plethora of questions by members, about everything from ticket purchase to lost property. However, one in particular comes up again and again. What should I wear? I always answer this question in the same way. Wear whatever makes you feel confident, comfortable and above all - sexy! Whilst this is more vague than many people would like, it is the truest and simplest answer I can give.
When we look good, we feel good. New lingerie can make us feel like a Victoria’s Secret model. Certain high heels can make us stride confidently into a room as if we are 6ft tall. The right shade of lipstick can do wonders for our self esteem. It may sound shallow and vain but it’s the way it is. We’ve all felt that way.
Comparison is the thief of joyBody confidence is a phrase that irks me. "Love your body, be comfortable in your own skin, own your truth..." But, it’s easier said than done, especially when your new colleague is tall, slim, young and looks like she just walked off a runway. She’s confident and cool and sexy and whilst all I ate was a salad and a protein bar for lunch, I still feel like a whale.
I shrink into a corner because unlike her, I am short, dark and curvy. And now I’ve seen her, I’m nervous.This has become clearer to me with time and age. This woman’s beauty diminishes my own. She is better than me. But that’s not true. We are just different. That’s all. Not better or worse, just unique in our own special way. And that uniqueness, brings us to Skirt Club.
Our community is as broad and varied as the ocean. Our members are tall, short, dark, fair. We are of every race, eye colour and cup size. And we are all beautiful. We are all women on the same path to sexual exploration. We all feel the same.
My first skirt club event was 5 years ago and I had no idea what to expect. I heard ‘exclusive membership’ and envisioned opulence, glamour and beauty. I wasn’t wrong. I spent hours choosing a dress and finally settled on a tight, short, black number with a sheer panel at the front which meant I couldn’t wear a bra. Being a 34DD, this did not make me feel comfortable. But I looked good and felt sexy so I went with it.
It was summer so the tube journey was in daylight. I felt exposed and vulnerable underneath my coat. My make up was glamorous and extravagant - far too much for the London travel community, or so I feared. When I arrived and walked through the door, the face that greeted me was beautiful, confident and vibrant. The body that accompanied it was petite, toned and slim.
All my confidence melted away in that moment. I am a sexual and outgoing woman, but this temptress made me feel insecure and anxious.
I became very aware of my bralessness. Nevertheless I gave her my coat and walked upstairs. And this is what I remember thinking. Holy fuck! These women are all beautiful. And they are all here to have sex. They wouldn’t ever choose me. I’m out of my depth. Run. Run now. What am I even doing here? What was I thinking? I’m sure this is familiar to many of you. A room full of women is intimidating enough. A room full of women who are all there for the same reason as you, is a whole different game.
Feeling insecureI felt small and naive and ugly. I was confused. Just as I was about to turn and flee, the woman from the door caught my eye. She smiled at me and walked over and introduced herself. She was friendly and warm. She wasn’t condescending or haughty. She was just like me. And in that moment, I felt better.
Later on, I removed my dress. I forgot about my insecurities. I strut around naked like I owned the fucking world. I was confident and beautiful and different.
This went down well and before I knew it, women were approaching me. And it felt good. To be myself. To be free. I was one of them. And it was glorious.I do not love my curves or think I’m the most attractive woman ever. None of us do. But at Skirt Club, we value ourselves and we own our desires.
We attend events and we explore our sexuality. We play spin the bottle and we play with strangers and we kiss and we touch and we have unique, powerful experiences. If we can do all that, then we can do anything. So my advice is this: body confidence is important. But you must be confident in your body for you. Not for anyone else.
Focus on what you love about YOUInstead of worrying about why others will find you attractive, focus on what you love about yourself. Do it now.I love my eyes, my hair, my scent. They are unique to me and they make me feel confident and sexy. So I wear extravagant eye make up; invest in expensive perfume and tend to get a blow dry before an event. Whatever you love about yourself, I guarantee someone else will too.
Flaunt it. Be confident in your ability to be beautiful. To be bold. To be brilliant. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So take a moment and look at yourself. Appreciate yourself. Celebrate yourself. Become the beholder of your own beauty. This is a space for you. Own it...you’ve got this!
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